It's National Coming Out day. Queer pride is a wonderful thing. People should celebrate who and how they love or even how they want to get dirty if love doesn't enter the picture. Queerness can be a source of destabilization, a perspective from which to question the status quo. Sexuality shapes lives in powerful ways, however you experience it (or if you don't experience it). Partner choice, while related in some ways to sexuality, is not the same thing. I tend to think National Coming Out day focuses on who you make a life with rather than what gets you hot. Both have their value but I sometimes regret that the former dominates the latter in public discourse.
That being said, I am interested in the narrative structure of "Coming Out." In popular parlance, a person either is or is not out. Coming out, however, is not usually a one-time experience. A co-worker was telling me about how her niece and her friends gently scolded a male classmate for saying "That's so gay." He responded by saying, "Sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm on the spectrum." The girls thought he meant the autism spectrum, so there was much confusion. My co-worker told me the story to reinforce how attitudes have changed. But neither she nor the girls realized the boy might have been testing the waters. This bit of the story was included as a side note about kids' perceptions of adult matters, since a mother of one of the girls worked with autistic children. In that moment, he had the option of making his intentions clear or leaving them unresolved. This doesn't just happen once. In some cases, people come out little by little.
I find the older I get, the less these paradigm-shifting opportunities occur. I am not sure if I am just more comfortable with who I am or if it's part of a general mellowing with age. It's no longer a pressing secret I have to keep or a fact I need everyone to be aware of. In most instances, it just doesn't come up. Of course, I have loved ones who live very out and proud and I support them. I'm just not sure I'm up for my personal being political. I can pass and a lot of the time, I do.
In the kinky community, people are very clear about whether and to whom they are out as kinky. It is a somewhat risky proposition. On the one hand, people in general are somewhat more tolerant about individualized sexual behaviors (hurray!). Even mainstream writing dabbles in the kinky, although usually with disturbing implications for the women involved. On the other hand, people judge you. People in power - employers, judges, friends and family - can decide based on this one aspect of your life whether you are a moral person deserving of dignity and respect. In many cases, people decide that the risks outweigh the benefits. In some ways, the kinky discussions about whether to be out resemble the narratives found in the queer community. People vary and their approaches to sexuality can be more or less radical. For people whose primary relationships resemble hegemonic ideals (you know, one masculine man and one feminine woman), it is easier to stay quiet in mixed company because your partner at least looks like the heteronormative ideal. For people in same-gendered relationships, bringing a partner to a social function automatically marks them. So it's not the same experience. Of course, there are people who are both kinky and queer and their out-nesss is not all or nothing. For some aspects, to some people, they may be completely out, or not.
On this National Coming Out day, I invite you to be proud - whoever you love, whatever gets you hot - and if that inspires you to share, great. If not, I'm ok with that too.
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