BDSM and Geekdom?

John Scalzi just wrote "Who Gets to Be a Geek? Anyone Who Wants To" in which he outlines the tenets of geekdom as a live and let live society.  This was in reply to an earlier piece where Joe Peacock calls into question the authenticity of the geekiness of some attractive women who attend cons but aren't "real" geeks.  There are larger issues of identity, policing, and gender at play here.  But what I am really interested is in this construction of geekdom as a come-as-you-are-experience.  Scalzi writes,

"Geekdom is personal. Geekdom varies from person to person. There are as many ways to be a geek as there are people who love a thing and love sharing that thing with others. You don’t get to define their geekdom. They don’t get to define yours. What you can do is share your expression of geekdom with others. Maybe they will get you, and maybe they won’t. If they do, great. If they don’t, that’s their problem and not yours."

What strikes me is the similarity to the credo "your kink is ok by me" found in BDSM groups. There is a lot of crossover between the groups, at least where I work in Texas, so this won't be a huge revelation for members of either group but I believe it bears examination. People in both subcultures may feel excluded from parts of society based on their interests, demeaned or devalued for what some believe to be an inherent characteristic. They join the community because they feel welcomed. Many people enjoy being geeky or kinky in private, but there are reasons that community forms around these practices that have to do with a sense of belonging.

The first BDSM event I went to shocked me.  It was at a local restaurant in a private room on a Saturday afternoon.  Everyone was older and rounder than I expected.  People wore jeans and t-shirts in the Texas heat.  The welcoming committee, comprised mostly of women, introduced themselves to me.  There were some unsolicited hugs.  There was a lot of laughing and small talk.  The purpose for the munch was to give people a chance to meet newcomers and socialize with old friends.  It was the furthest thing from threatening I could imagine.  Toward the end of the social, several people from various other groups announced upcoming parties, demonstrations, support groups, and socials.

In my experience with cons (admittedly many years out), I remember the same sharing of kindred spirits.  Even if you are totally ok with the more esoteric proclivities of your sexuality or nerdom, it is exciting to find someone who is into the same thing.  Ideally, the community is there to foster those connections and create a safe space for otherwise disparaged behaviors.

There is always a difference between ideology and practice.  Inclusivity is sometimes more of a rhetorical device than a way of approaching the world.  I find it interesting how quickly people denounce those who do not toe the party line.  It is a reality that not all people are in reality welcomed into these spaces.  Gender, ethnicity, and class play a large role in who has access to these communities.  In future posts, I'll expound on this at length.

In the meantime, I think it is noble to strive toward acceptance of diversity and empowering others to pursue their passions, however specific they may be.  Your geek is ok by me.